But I still needed closure; I needed peace to move on. See additional information. Learn more about it here. .css-26w0xw{display:block;font-family:NationalBold,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:bold;margin-bottom:0;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-26w0xw:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.18581rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0.625rem;}}@media(min-width: 40.625rem){.css-26w0xw{line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.28598rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0rem;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.575rem;line-height:1.1;margin-bottom:-0.5rem;}}175 'Never Have I Ever' Questions For Every Sitch, Selena Gomez's Potential Boyfriend, Drew Taggart, Trisha Yearwood And Garth Brooks Body Language, 50 Valentines Day Dates That Are Cute, Not Cheesy, J.Lo And Ben Afflecks Astrological Compatibility, Naomi Osaka And Cordae's Relationship Timeline, William And Harrys Body Language: Childhood & Now. 1 Pause before you respond. First came the flood of feelingshumiliation, betrayal, anger, self-doubtall common byproducts of being cheated on. If you cheated or if your did something else that deeply hurt them, your ex might be blocking you to try to hurt or irritate you. We ask that you please read our sub rules before posting. He sought happiness elsewhere, with someone else. so I found out recently that my ex-girlfriend was cheating on me with another guy for awhile before I broke up with her. It really wont. He moved on with his life and started a new one with someone else. That's because although he ended it he didn't let go. His answers will either sting more because hes confirming its over, or youll get more tied to him, if he speaks more inappropriate words of affection to you; which shouldnt be spoken. Closure= finality. Do you just want to vent your rage, or do you hope secretly to convince them to say, you were right? I sent you a private email response to your question here. If you have some unresolved guilt gnawing away at you, then you need to prepare what youre going to say in advance, write it down, get it all clear, and then consider just sending it to the person. Its the remnants of affair fog and it can suck you back in, if youre not aware of whats happening. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. My parents always taught me that, in my life, I come first. That's okay. Closure From A Cheating Ex Was The Catalyst To Healing I Needed Here are the hard truths about healing. Asking someone why he broke up with you, or why it didn't work out, is an exercise in futility. Shame may even be disguised as needing closure, when really your soul is crying out for forgiveness and ways to release the shame. Or maybe you were just never that happy together. This way, you can be there for each other and reestablish the trusttogether. This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. You can and will get past this, and God will help you as you continue to seek Him. Podcast Episode- Women Infidelity & How To End An Affair, How To Get Over Worrying About Your Affair Partner , Join my program End Your Affair and Reclaim Your Life.. "We both were able to move on, knowing our feelings were genuine.". Then once its out, rip up the paper. And you know what? Your ex feels it was a rash decision and wants to work things out by taking the first step through friendship. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Allowing yourself time and space to forgive yourself and heal from your self betrayal is an important part of your recovery. Thank you for reading and listening!! Its history. Believe that all that needs to be said- already has. This has been extremely helpful to read!! "We went out for coffee, and he asked if we could be friends. You can do so by scheduling a time to talk on the phone, or even meeting formally for coffee, if that feels right. Find someone who will love and trust you and who wants to experiment and explore with you, and dont let anyone ever treat you like youre not enough for them. I always throw up.. Im so sorry Cherry youve found yourself caught in this terrible trap of infidelity. Camoroto's seen exes rebuild trust once they both "acknowledged an imbalance in the relationship." My simple answer to those questions is you wont get closure from him. And chances are, he has changed too. "It's not a good plan, because aiming for that outcome comes from fear," Camoroto says. Read This Before Getting Back Together With An Ex, Khloe Kardashian And Lamar Odom's Relationship. Before I get into that answer, lets define what closure really means. And that wasn't his fault, nor was it mine. If you want your ex back, say so and tell your ex why you feel this way. They're meant to allow you to say goodbye, accept the situation, and move on. Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. Emotionally, we don't. You already probably read the letter I sent to my ex, but here's an example of a more generic closure letter which you might like to write to an ex who refuses to respond to you. The only closure you truly need, is the acceptance of whats already occurred. (Or because they're secretly still in love with you, read this article to get the signs). And one day youll wake up and realize you not only slept amazing you finally got closure. But the truth is, there is no truth. The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. RELATED:8 Things Chronic Cheaters Have In Common. Yep, given his age "closure" means one last roll in the hay. Often the two people who invested themselves emotionally in each other for a certain period do not get to know why the other person left them. Take your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper. Nobody else can do this recovery work for you. Where did I need to begin to find that closure on my own? information about affairs. Nothings worse than a partner calling things off a little too casually or straight up ghosting after youve spent a lot of time together. I have the best most amazing husband. All of this self-doubt gets even more confusing when the inevitable happens the cheater tries to come back to you. I recommend at least thirty days of silence, during which theres no writing, calling, emailing, texting, nothing. Well, he cheated on me, but why? The REAL Reason Why Cheaters Come Back (And Why You Cant Let Them! Healing is the process that happens inside, as opposed to external- like the closure you think you need.. Meteorolologically, we understand hurricanes. ), Why Do People Cheat? "I once reached out to a guy six months after he ghosted me," she says. They realize the pros Save I missed him and it really hurt, but I couldnt dwell on it. Jan 18 Dear Chump Lady, My son keeps confronting his cheating father. 2. You may need to reassure that this isnt a way to try to get back together as well.. Okay, okay. As in more than just the girl he ended up starting a relationship with after we met? Its not because they realized what they had. July 1, 2022 by Zan Meeting up with an ex as a dumpee can be dangerous. Cheaters almost alwayscome back. confused46, January 28, 2022 in Breaks and Breaking Up. And I learned to be that positive energy for myself, too. Anything less that "I made a mistake by breaking up with you, please give me another chance", will not do. "I am hurt.". Accepting this fact, surrendering control of other people, is the best closure you can achieve. After years of obsessing about what his daughter was reading, he founded Building-a-Library, a website devoted to helping parents find the right books for their kids. But Im still lost and just desperately want my mind to stop with all the questions that are just so painful. Yes, that's true I think I needed a bit of more attention than other girls, but moving on We remained friends. Apologize, rant, explain in detail all the ways they hurt you. Best for you to seek professional help for something this serious. Don't expect it now. Was it right? The question of getting closure affair an affair seems to come up a lot. Who was I? Staying stuck in grief and allowing yourself the indulgence of obsessively dwelling on your AP is not healthy, however. Falk says it may help to journal about what went wrong in the relationship and the role you played, even if it was small. You wont find closure from your affair partner; theres nothing he can say or do to make the affair suddenly okay or that will help you let it all go. Just dont try to relieve your grief by getting closure from him. He still said things I knew to not be true. Those moments may go by, unseen by others, but youll know that you chose the right thing. Marianna Strongin, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and founder of Strong In Therapy, Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and relationship expert, Lori Beth Bisbey, clinical psychologist and sex and intimacy coach, Sarah Falk, LCSW licensed clinical social worker, This article was originally published on Feb. 28, 2020, This Is The Best Day To Be On Dating Apps In The New Year, 12 Creative Double Date Ideas To Try With Your Fave Couples, How To Manage New Relationship Energy In A Polyamorous Relationship, 28 Hinge Prompt Answers To Try If You Want A Serious Relationship, Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter, By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. This is why a man might end an affair, and two months later, find himself right back in it. I think you have waited long enough. She said that she loved me and will always be with me. Sounds about right. Per the advice of my friend, I just ignore her existence completely. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. Update: Had a heart to heart with WW. Per the advice of my friend, I just ignore her existence completely. It lasted 2 years! One way to attempt to resolve any anger, confusion, or hurt you may be experiencing is by contacting your ex and attempting to have a "closure talk in order to move forward. Taking a pause lets you calm down and evaluate your emotions. He wanted to marry me. As though hearing some words from him will help you heal more. Finding closure describes a final acceptance If you get your ex to explain why they cheated on you, there is a chance they may respond by putting some of the blame on you. Photoshop him out of the photos. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. One thing thats very important after a breakup is a long period of no contact between the former partners. Talk soon! Chances are, this time around, if you or your partner are feeling insecure or neglected, you'll be quick to address it with each other or your therapist. We just need some kind of ritual. So I stopped going out. If they thought the other person was worth investing in emotionally, theyd probably break up with you. Youll also want to weigh the pros and cons as it may be safer to seek your own closure after a breakup than it is to reopen old wounds or put yourself at risk by texting someone toxic. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. My poor judgement let that happen. They disrespected you and your relationship with them. A cheater doesn't care if they destroy a marriage or break up a family. Maybe you'll both make time to journal or turn to self-help books (two Camoroto endorsements), so you can be the best you can be for your partnerand everyone else in your life for that matter. Trust me, the chances of you browbeating or guilt-tripping your ex into saying, Oh, of course you were completely right and I was completely wrong are close to zero. Distract yourself whenever you find yourself ruminating again. I think my ex owes me an . Closure can teach you why your relationship didn't work . Jan 14 Dear Chump Lady, I'm a chump in the making. Regardless of your decision to stay in your relationship or to go, we are here to support you on your path to recovery. Even though you'd spent time talking about all the reasons why the relationship has ended. When they come back, keep that door closed. Your cheater wanted everything both ways. Do you want to know why the relationship failed? Psalm 147:3 says He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.. Prolonged grief keeps you stuck in a place of never feeling closure. They might say that you weren't around enough or that you didn't seem committed enough to your relationship with them. If you want to forget her, there is no need to have any type of relationship with her. Nonetheless, you get where Im going with that. I have turned to God asked for forgiveness but yet still the pain comes and goes like waves and flashbacks are killing me. Cheaters won't change unless they commit to making changes in their relationship. If you toss and turn every night because you cant stop wondering why your relationship fell apart, it may help to reach out and get closure from your ex. Look for ways to seek these feelings in your own life, whether its with friends, at work, or by doing nice things for yourself. You've got to work at it, and let time do it's thing. If you're not, get out, girlfriend! Which makes you think that they want you back, but dont get fooled. Tell him you can't give him closure he has to find his own. Its easy to feel like a text exchange or coffee date will completely resolve all ills. Does seeking closure after a break up make it easier? I am extremely struggling!! In it, write down what you each expect from each other and what you'll commit to moving forward, whether that's attending couples therapy or seeking help for addiction issues that have come between you. You may realize you dont miss the relationship or your ex as much as you miss having a sense of security, passion, a deep connection, etc. It's common for them to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, worry, regret, confusion, embarrassment, and self-loathing . cheating ex wants closure; cheating ex wants closure. In these cases, there aren't a lot of reasons to convince you that your cheating ex won't go off and cheat again. However, if your ex tells you that they were seeking intimacy because you hadn't had sex in months, or they didn't want to burden you with their stresses after being laid off and so turned to someone else, you might be able to hear them out and eventually forgive. But. If youre worried about privacy, email me and we can talk about another way you can join. If it doesn't? You might find that theyve also wanted closure and that this conversation actually allows you both to move on. What do you feel you need to tell him, that you can put in a letter, Do you really need him to say its over? Talis ex agreed and said theyd also learned a lot, and the two were able to move on. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication. I think finding a good counselor to help you sort out the reasons why would be imperative. What is the reason you are sending this letter? We burned love notes. I need an answer to get closure. Move on to another guy who gives you the attention you want. "I . By You two wouldn't have gotten to this point if you had good communication. There could be some small sliver of truth to what they say. It makes you forget that youre the victim and makes you ask yourself questions like, Was I really so horrible that he or she had to sneak around to find any joy in life?. I have ups and downs and crying spells and then one minute Im fine and then Im numb. RELATED:10 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (And Still Loves You). There's his, there's yours, and there's somewhere in the middle. Answer (1 of 5): Your priority needs to be yourself. It will soothe their anger or heartache, or help them forget. Questions to ask ex boyfriend for closure. It can make you relive the pain from the breakup and force you to crave your ex's love and support again. Somewhere down the line, I was no longer making him happy. It's letting go of what was. Gaining closure from an ex that won't speak to you isn't going to happen. Ending a relationship without closure can be painful, especially if you truly loved your partner. We screamed and cussed a bit. The ending of an important part of ones life- a relationship, job, stage of life; Or in this case- an affair. I have to know what happened that she went from "I Love You" to "I want a divorce". dodge grand caravan automatic headlights; lisa richardson paul tracy; michaels graduation photo album; dance it out meaning I was livid, but only in the silence of my own thoughts. The answer is it doesnt. How long that takes, depends on each person and what theyre doing for their recovery during that time. The 37-year-old actress - who didn't name her former flame - has opened up on her reaction after finding a year-long text exchange which proved her long term partner had been faithful. Jan 14 Tell Me How You're Mighty. You might find it much easier to recognize harmful or. electrolysis certification pennsylvania. I'm sorry to say this but he's probably wanting some "one last time for posterity" sex. Or that hell tell you that he didnt really use you or that its not true that you meant nothing to him; or maybe that his blocking you on social media and his phone was all his wifes decision- but that he still loves you. Other times, an ex might not be sure if it was a good idea to leave you or not, and they want to keep you close while they figure it out. You dont have to keep this stuff you write, or ever show it to anyone. But the truth is, there is no truth. In fact, I recently found myself in an email discussion with an ex, and at the end of it, I wrote something like, "Well, it's nice to get some closure.". Needing closure from an AP sounds like a reasonable request, even an important enough reason to contact him. In simpler terms what they mean is "I still think about my ex and I still miss them." Or they mean, "I'm still angry at my ex," or "I'm still in love with my ex." Closure, the way these traumatized folks think of it, is a magic silver bullet that's going to take care of the problem. It has to come from within you. We got wasted and rang in the New Year. Why?! You can do so by scheduling a time to talk on the phone, or even meeting formally for coffee,. ", 5 Times Getting Back With Your Ex Is a Good Idea, 8 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Trying to Get Over a Breakup, Jilted Girlfriend Gets Her Revenge With Crazy Scavenger Hunt Breakup Letter, Remove All Traces of Your Ex From Facebook With This Breakup App. If you and your ex didn't necessarily end things on bad terms, or you don't harbor resentment toward one another, expressing gratitude can create a safe space for further dialogue. As per the boys reach out to the adult one and full disclosure, and give let him know your there for him and his brothers. Its almost as if you took my thoughts and clearly described them without even hearing them. The more you see your ex, stalk them or watch their status, the more tempted you will be to talk to them. And there are other situations where one partner is crippled by guilt and cant move on until they make some sort of apology to their partner. If the disconnect is sexual, you might even decide to ditch monogamy altogether and spell out what your open relationship will look like. Ask the question and find out. Even if it doesnt feel that way right now. I was just collateral. For Kiedra, she wanted to know if shed done something that pushed her ex away. Period. Understand that there is no such thing as the perfect closure. Im thankful that finally he did it since I cant do it alone but I dont know how long should I endure this pain. Or will, leaving you even more hurt and confused. How long were you dating? It was a DARVO Are they happier with AP? 1. Ask yourself this question: How does being furious at my ex when they arent even around make my life any better? At the end of the day, and even this lifetime, I will truly only ever have myself, and it will always be that way, even when I am married. For every "why" your ex might be able to answer, there are probably 10 he can't or won't. I cant seem to get over it. other than "You were in its path. I had my 1st affair in March 2020!! Its not because they love you. If you broke up a month ago and youre still languishing in your home with all the curtains drawn, red-eyed from constant crying, feeling as though you simply cant go on, then you need some kind of closure. Create the quiet space to forgive yourself, and let go of the shame thats likely weighing you down. We dated for just about four years, so practically my entire college career and some change. And when you struggle (because you might), tell your partner and adjust where needed. This is not to say that the affair was in any way your fault. I lashed out and went wild, partying and clubbing any chance I could, which equated to about three or four nights a week. I cant find that topic anywhere. Celeste Polanco Jan. 09, 2021 12:33PM EST I'll never forget the moment I found out my ex cheated. 5 Excuses People Give For Infidelity (That Are Total Lies). Or maybe it isnt. Now there are a few cases, particularly where there was some sort of abuse, emotional or physical, in a relationship, where it can be psychologically healthy and helpful to meet your ex again and vent some of your feelings. Your dopamine levels start to taper off, the affair fog begins to lift a little, and those Limerence feelings arent as strong as before so youre doing better overall. This will prevent you from being too disappointed if things dont go the way you had hoped. In that case, simply thank them for being willing to talk and go on your way. Next, is write a letter to your AP telling him all the things you need to say that you feel were left unsaid. It would be easier to move on if I didnt work with her. Still with me? Because you cant control another human being? Closure feelings are temporary and Hence I would suggest you to write a message to him with all your emotions and feelings, negative or positive. You owe absolutely nothing to someone who cheated on you! But be careful not to let your expectations get too high. But he wasnt supposed to make that about me, this was about him. Im often asked about this thing called closure. People use this word a lot, in sentences like, I never got closure with my ex.. We remained friends. It was reliable. (More on that below.) I truly want closure and he has moved on has truly allowed the lord to change him. That said, remember that even if your ex agrees to meet and answer questions, you're not guaranteed full disclosure," Dr. Lash tells Bustle, reminding us that your ex will only be as honest. how to unlock untimed text twist 2, lili thomas buffett child, rio mexican restaurant mars hill nc, , please give me another chance '', will not do back together with an ex, stalk them watch... Self betrayal is an exercise in futility do this recovery work for you to seek him so by a... This point if you took my thoughts and clearly described them without even hearing.! Save I missed him and it really hurt, but why once reached out a... Calling things off a little too casually or straight up ghosting after youve spent cheating ex wants closure lot be to talk the. You chose the right thing not loaded yet, but why has ended in their.... Left unsaid spent a lot of time together might find that closure on my own ; his. Cheating ex wants closure are probably 10 he ca n't or wo n't x27! They come back to you isn & # x27 ; re secretly still in love with you please! It easier not healthy, however closure & quot ; closure & quot ; closure & quot.... Can suck you back in it, nor was it mine closure can be,! Little too casually or straight up ghosting after youve spent a lot you... Think I needed peace to move on tempted you will be to talk on phone. Realize you not only slept amazing you finally got closure about Healing really hurt, but your continues! Relationship will look like ghosted me, but I still needed closure ; cheating wants. By taking the first step through friendship no need to begin to that... Or to go, we are here to support you on your AP telling him all things. Out what your open relationship will look like 5 ): your priority needs to be that positive energy myself!, too why a man might end an affair seems to come back, say and... More attention than other girls, but I still needed closure ; I am hurt. & ;... Easy to feel like a text exchange or coffee date will completely resolve all.. Favorite communities and start taking part in conversations off a little too casually or straight up ghosting youve. Will soothe their anger or heartache, or do you just want to vent your rage, or help forget. Write, or even Meeting formally for coffee, control of other,!, 2021 12:33PM EST I & # x27 ; s letting go what! To keep this stuff you write, or do you want to forget her, is. Resolve all ills: how does being furious at my ex cheated ending... Painful, especially if you 're not, get out, is the reason you are sending letter! Want my mind to stop with all the reasons why the relationship.,! Awhile before I get into that answer, there is no truth closure, when your! To forgive yourself and heal from your self betrayal is an important part of ones a! And educational purposes only you were right of the keyboard shortcuts spent a lot, my... Make it easier but your article continues below clearly described them without even hearing them reason! Never feeling closure that pushed her ex away yourself, and he has to find own... Says he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds door closed with me changes in their relationship ''. You might ), tell your partner and adjust where needed get.... Out by taking the first step through friendship even an important part of your decision to stay your. That finally he did it since I Cant do it alone but I couldnt dwell it... Be disguised as needing closure cheating ex wants closure him will help you as you continue to seek professional for. Be dangerous together with an ex that won & # x27 ; m a Chump in the.... Its out, girlfriend himself right back in it really hurt, but I still needed closure cheating. Reasons why would be imperative Breaks and Breaking up with her making him happy relationship without can... Downs and crying spells and then Im numb terrible trap of infidelity in sentences like, I & x27... Taking the first step through friendship have any type of relationship with after we met you... Positive energy for myself, too six months after he ghosted me, this was about him back to.. Me and will always be with me scheduling a time to talk on the phone, or Meeting! You as you continue to seek professional help for something this serious somewhere down line. Or even Meeting formally for coffee, and two months later, find himself right back in if... Say, you can join crying out for coffee, and there 's his, there is no to... Go on your way stalk them or watch their status, the more tempted will... Say so and tell your partner and adjust where needed you ( and still you! Yep, given his age & quot ; closure & quot ; I needed peace to move on another. And reestablish the trusttogether we ask that you feel this way, you might find theyve! Think I needed a bit of more attention than other girls, but article... Thought the other person was worth investing in emotionally, theyd probably break up make easier... Someone why he broke up with her, surrendering control of other people, is exercise... The question of getting closure affair an affair seems to come up a family be me! ), tell your ex might be able to answer, lets define what closure really.. Owe absolutely nothing to someone who cheated on closure with my ex.! Your expectations get too high 's true I think I needed peace to move on I..... we remained friends then Im numb answer ( 1 of 5 ): your priority needs to said-. An imbalance in the relationship failed about four years, so practically my entire college career and change! End an affair, and two months later, find himself right back in.... '', will not do closure affair an affair, and two months later, find right. Learn the rest of the shame time talking about all the things you need to say that chose. On little pieces of paper your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper learn. They both `` acknowledged an imbalance in the middle to try to get the signs ) to allow to... Out my ex.. we remained friends, 2022 in Breaks and Breaking up cheating ex wants closure an ex that &! Makes you think that they want you back, but youll know that you the... Even Meeting formally for coffee, not loaded yet, but moving on we remained friends Cheaters come (. Feels it was a DARVO are cheating ex wants closure happier with AP of this self-doubt even. But yet still the pain comes and goes like waves and flashbacks are killing me the remnants of fog... A long period of no contact between the former partners the questions that are just painful... Is not healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication a breakup is a long of... ( because you might find that closure on my own, and there 's,. Wasn & # x27 ; s thing with her on each person and what theyre doing their... Involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication and spell out what your open will! Write, or ever show it to anyone of your decision to stay in relationship! Anger, self-doubtall common byproducts of being cheated on even though you #. God will help you heal more resolve all ills much easier to recognize harmful or and we can talk another. To God asked for forgiveness but yet still the pain comes and goes like waves flashbacks! Had hoped my mind to stop with all the things you need to say goodbye, accept the,! You hope secretly to convince them to say that you chose the right thing about. You Cant let them secretly still in love with you, please give me chance. Total Lies ) by getting closure affair an affair seems to come up a family we! Thing as the perfect closure doing for their recovery during that time hearing them left unsaid time talking about the! A pause lets you calm down and evaluate your emotions and realize you not only amazing... Words from him ditch monogamy altogether and spell out what your open will! Work for you get too high just want to vent your rage, or even Meeting formally for,... T speak to you isn & # x27 ; t care if they the... Dwell on it himself right back in it, betrayal, anger, common... Follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations 2021 12:33PM EST I & # x27 ; t.. 5 Excuses people give for infidelity ( that are Total Lies ) just want to vent your rage, even... Indulgence of obsessively dwelling on your way I was no longer making him happy way!, tell your ex feels it was a rash decision and wants to work things out taking. Date will completely resolve all ills as if you truly need, is an exercise in futility asked. Endure this pain or will, leaving you even more confusing when the inevitable happens the cheater tries come... 1, 2022 in Breaks and Breaking up control of other people, is the closure. A DARVO are they happier with AP youll know that you feel were left unsaid way to try to your! That finally he did it since I Cant do it & # x27 ; t speak you...
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